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From a distance, the lake and surrounding
forests were an idyllic setting. Along the shore a father
was teaching his young son to fish. This appeared to
be a wonderful teaching moment. Yet as we approached
it became clear that the father was frustrated and the
child was unhappy.
"You've got to hold the rod straight
and cast straight ahead."
"I'm trying."
"How many times do I have to show you?"
"I want to do it my way!"
"You're going to break it!"
"I don't care!"
What had begun as a father's well-intentioned
effort to teach his child to fish, digressed into an
angry, unfulfilling experience for both father and child.
This pattern begins innocently enough when our children
are two or three years old. It starts with just a few
words uttered by every well-meaning parent.
"Let daddy show you how to do it."
"Let mommy fix it for you."
Unknowingly these words of assistance,
guidance or education mark the entry into the parenting
paradox. A paradox is a contradictory idea often at
odds with common sense yet possibly true. The parenting
paradox affects most families. We correct our children
under the mistaken belief that if we tell, show or direct
them they will listen, observe and improve. How else
will they learn, we wonder, if not shown the errors
of their ways - whether in school work, sports or table
manners? We would like our children to learn life's
lessons without mistake or blunder. These errors of
youth we worry will hurt our children psychologically
or physically. Listen to me we say. We're the parent,
we've been there, done that, made mistakes. We can help
you. Our motives are noble. They reflect the very reason
we became parents, to guide a youngster into a happy,
healthy life's journey. Young children's responses to
our offers of guidance and assistance are as varied
as their personalities. At one extreme some children
watch and listen but then don't do, beginning a pattern
of helplessness, passivity and low initiative. At the
other extreme some young children respond with resistance,
exhibiting a pattern of behavior that we quickly label
stubborn or strong willed. This sets the stage for families
destined for angry conflicts. Although the majority
of young children tolerate our "helping behavior,"
our actions accomplish little towards our ultimate goal
of developing resilient and healthy children.
But somewhere along this path we became stuck in the
paradox - if I don't help you how will you ever learn?
But on so many occasions when I correct, show or even
offer to help - things get worse not better. Our noble
message - I'm your parent let me help - over many years
either becomes deluged in conflict or complacency on
our children's parts. Seemingly beyond our control,
helping from our perspective becomes synonymous with
fixing while through the eyes of our children it is
too frequently experienced as a lack of acceptance of
their abilities.
Helping is Not Fixing
If we examine our parental goals, we discover that many
center around assisting our children to feel competent,
secure, happy, caring, and self-reliant. It is not an
oversimplification to conclude that to realize these
goals requires our children to develop the inner strength
to deal competently and successfully, day-after-day
with the challenges and demands they encounter. We are
aware that our children will feel more competent and
self-assured and more capable of solving problems that
confront them if helped to deal effectively with challenging
situations. Why is it then that what begins as our effort
to help often results in the parenting paradox and our
children's "resistance to being fixed." For
some parents it is the words they choose and their tone
of voice and body language, suggesting criticism rather
than encouragement. For others it is the rush to tell
the child what to do rather than engaging the child
in the exciting process of discovering a solution. As
parents we must not allow our efforts to help our children
be transformed into exercises in fixing them. We must
interact with them in ways that allow them to view our
input not only as desirous but as helpful. Learning
to support our children in ways that are truly helpful
is part of the process of raising resilient youngsters.
Resilience embraces the ability of a child to deal more
effectively with stress and pressure, to cope with everyday
challenges, to bounce back from disappointments, adversity
and trauma, to develop clear and realistic goals, to
solve problems, to relate comfortably with others and
to treat one's self and others with respect.
Solving the Parenting Paradox
We offer four guidelines to solving the parenting paradox.
These guidelines, begun when our children are young,
will help us avoid falling into this paradox. We are
not suggesting if these guidelines are first applied
at a later age that they cannot be effective. However,
if we begin to refine effective patterns of helping
our children when they are young, they are more likely
to be responsive and listen to us as they grow. Guideline
One: Let Empathy Be Your Guide. Empathy is the ability
to identify with feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of
others. Taking the time not just to understand but to
make an effort to experience our children's perspective
is a key ingredient to being helpful. Empathy has been
popularized as an important component of emotional intelligence.
Being empathic facilitates communication and assists
us to avoid the parenting paradox. An empathic parent
asks, "Am I saying or doing things in a way in
which my child will be most responsive to listening
to and learning from me?" and "Would I want
someone to talk with me the way I am speaking with my
child?"
When parents consider these questions, they are more
likely to assume a helping rather than a fixing posture,
more likely to teach than to lecture. For example, if
a child is struggling in school, many parents will exhort
the child to "try harder" or "put in
more of an effort." Yet, most children experience
being told to "try harder" as accusatory and
judgmental. When parents who are having difficulty with
a task are asked, "Would you want someone to tell
you to just try harder?" most say they would not.
If we would not want something said to us, then we must
avoid saying it to our children. A more empathic comment
would be, "I can see that you are having trouble
with your schoolwork. Maybe we can figure out what would
help to make it easier." When a comment such as
this is offered, the child is much more likely to listen
and to be cooperative.
Thus, empathy is a starting point to help children locate
areas of competence and success in their lives, to develop
problem-solving skills, responsibility, compassion,
and a social conscience. Empathy permits us to communicate
the message to our children that we hear, feel, and
understand their opinions; it helps us to find ways
to validate what our children are saying and attempting
to accomplish. This does not imply that we agree with
everything our children think, believe or do but rather
that we acknowledge what they are saying.
Guideline Two: Bite Your Tongue, Watch and Listen.
Too often when we help our children we quickly express
ourselves and tell them what to do. However, we must
first learn to watch and listen. This guideline is rooted
in empathy since to truly watch and listen implies that
we are attempting to appreciate the world through the
eyes of our children. Just as we observed our children
take their first steps without offering advice or criticism,
we must sit back and watch them experiment safely, make
mistakes, learn from their experiences, and ultimately
succeed. In many situations simply being present and
supportive is the most helpful thing we can do. Too
much advice, even if well-meaning, may easily be interpreted
as criticism or may rob our children of developing self-reliance
and resilience.
For instance, if a five-year-old is creating a building
with blocks and the blocks keep falling over, rather
than rushing in and building the structure for the child
or criticizing the child by saying, "You're just
not being careful. You always rush through things, it
is more advisable to comment, "It's not easy getting
the blocks to stay up. Can you think of a way that you
can put them so they stay up?" By saying this,
we communicate that we appreciate that a task may be
difficult, but that there are other possible solutions
for our child to consider.
Guideline Three: Understand Before You Respond.
Closely tied to the first two guidelines is the third,
namely, respecting what our children desire in a certain
situation. Sometimes our children don't want our help,
perceiving it as an intrusion into their lives or an
indication that we don't trust in their abilities. Other
times the help we offer is not consistent with the problem
they perceive. When our attempts to assist our met with
anger or rejection, we often become annoyed, either
withdrawing from our children or more forcefully telling
them what to do. Instead, if we understand what they
are experiencing such as the child who is struggling
to create a building with blocks or a child who is having
difficulty with a school assignment, we can offer such
comments as, "Is there anyway I can be of help?"
or "If you need me, I am here" or "If
I'm misunderstanding what you said, please let me know."
Our children are more likely to approach us for guidance
and support when we create an atmosphere in which they
feel we are genuinely interested in understanding their
point of view and do not come across as telling them
what to do. If we are to create this atmosphere, we
must think before we act, we must understand before
we respond.
Guideline Four: Compliment and Be Patient.
Opportunities Will Present Themselves. An adult
we know once observed that he felt he grew up in a home
where his parents seemed like his prosecuting attorneys
rather than his defense attorneys. He said, "They
always seemed to focus on what I did wrong and almost
never mentioned what I did right." Parents who
help rather than fix are more likely to focus on offering
realistic positive feedback and encouragement when compared
with parents who are prone to fix things. When the emphasis
is on fixing, even well-intentioned parents can easily
fall into a pattern of communicating what has been done
incorrectly rather than on emphasizing their children's
accomplishments. For example, when children learn to
put their toys away, it is not unusual for one or two
toys to remain on the floor. As obvious as it may seem,
it is better for the parent to compliment and reinforce
children for all the toys they put away before mentioning
that there are still two toys remaining. A positive
approach would be for the parent to say, "You did
such a great job putting away so many toys, that if
it's okay I'd like to put these last two toys away."
Similarly, if a child who has been having problems with
spelling, improves from 50% to 70% on a test, the parent
should immediately comment on the improvement rather
than wondering about the three words that were incorrectly
spelled.
As parents we must recognize that learning is a process
that takes time and practice. It can be difficult to
be patient given the level of emotional energy and investment
we have in our children. However, if we are patient,
encouraging, and empathic we will be presented with
numerous opportunities to teach our children in ways
that will promote their confidence and problem-solving
skills. We believe that if these four interrelated guidelines
are followed, the parent paradox can be significantly
minimized. We will use more effective skills to teach
our children and they will be more responsive to learn
from us. A teachable moment will generalize and result
in lifelong lessons that our children will bring with
them into any new and challenging situation. To replace
fixing with helping and teaching is a basic aspect of
raising resilient children.
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