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All parents worry to a greater or lesser
extent about their children's future. Even when children
have relatively easy times growing up, many parents
have voiced anxiety about how happy, successful, or
content their children will be as adults. Not surprisingly,
concern about the future quality of life is heightened
when parents observe their children struggling behaviorally
at home, academically in school, and socially on the
playground.
The Helping Professional/Futurist
Parents bring their worries to helping professionals--physicians,
psychologists, social workers and educators. They arrive
at our offices with a list of immediate problems, but
what they dread is that these problems, rather than
representing stages of childhood, may be prophecies
predicting significant future problems extending into
the adult years. Helping professionals are asked to
play the role of futurists. We evaluate children examining
not only their current problems but the risks these
problems pose for adult life. Increasingly parents expect
helping professionals to provide estimates of future
functioning. These often fall under the term, prognosis.
Further, if the prognosis is adverse, parents request
and hope that helping professionals can, through the
prescription of medical, psychological, behavioral,
and educational interventions, improve their child's
functioning. The ultimate goal is to reduce adversity
and improve the future.In general, helping professionals
have been trained to undertake the role of futurists
through the use of a deficit or weakness-based model.
That is, we are trained to measure symptoms, evaluate
problems, determine diagnoses, and set about to improve
outcome. Traditionally, improving outcome has been equated
with reducing symptoms. This is the essence of a deficit
model. If I identify what is wrong in order that I can
better understand an individual's functioning and future
risks, I can then set out to fix the symptoms and in
the process improve the future. While this model has
served well both in identifying what is wrong and prescribing
deficit-based interventions that have resulted in a
relief of symptoms, unfortunately it has not been found
to positively affect the future of children struggling
with a wide spectrum of issues. We believe that although
this lack of positive impact could simply be the result
of poorly designed research, it could also be a function
of an unbalanced approach focusing on deficits in the
absence of assets or strengths.
Resilience and the "Resilient
Mindset"
The focus upon strengths in helping overcome adversity
has been referred to in the research literature as resilience.
Resilience is the capacity to deal successfully with
the obstacles in the road that confront us while maintaining
a straight and true path towards life's goals. In the
past the concept of resilience has typically been confined
to children who have experienced major adversity in
their lives. However, we believe that the concept of
resilience can and should be applied to all children,
that all children face different challenges in life
and that the children who have developed what we call
a "resilient mindset" will handle these challenges
with greater effectiveness and success.
The better able we are in articulating the features
of this mindset, the better equipped we will be to reinforce
this mindset in our children. We believe children with
a resilient mindset view the world in an optimistic
and hopeful way. They feel special and appreciated in
the eyes of significant others. They have learned to
set realistic goals and expectations for themselves.
They believe that they have the ability to solve problems
and make decisions and thus, are more likely to view
mistakes, hardships, and obstacles as challenges to
confront rather than as stressors to avoid. They rely
on coping strategies that are growth-fostering rather
than self-defeating. They are aware of their weaknesses
and vulnerabilities, but they also recognize their strengths
and talents. They are empathic and possess the skills
to develop satisfying interpersonal skills. They are
able to seek out assistance and nurturance in a comfortable
manner. Very importantly, they are able to define what
aspects of their life they have control over and to
focus their energy and attention on these rather than
on factors over which they have little, if any influence.
It is beyond the scope of this article to review in
depth the research literature focusing on resilience,
but there is emerging evidence that parents exert a
significant positive impact on helping their children
develop a resilient mindset, a mindset that impacts
not only on their children's current functioning, but
ultimately on their future success and happiness. In
the remainder of this article we will offer five strategies
to guide families to help children to become more resilient.
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Teaching Empathy by Practicing
Empathy. If our children are to communicate
effectively and develop satisfying interpersonal
relationships, it is essential that we help them
to develop empathy. Empathy is viewed as one of
the cornerstones of emotional intelligence as described
by Dr. Daniel Goleman. Empathy may be understood
as the ability to put oneself inside the shoes of
another person and to see the world through that
person's eyes. While empathy is an essential interpersonal
skill, operating in all relationships, it is far
more difficult to achieve than most of us realize.
This is especially true when we are upset, angry,
or disappointed with another person. When we are
empathic we not only ask ourselves what we hope
to accomplish when we say or do things, but as importantly,
we consider the following question, "Are we
saying or doing things in a way that our child will
be most responsive to hearing us?"
We teach our children empathy when we listen closely
to what they have to say, when we validate their
statements, and when we say and do things in a way
in which they will be most responsive to learning
from us. We avoid preaching, lecturing, or offering
comments that may be experienced as judgmental and
accusatory. Guiding questions that we pose for ourselves
are, "Would we want anyone to speak with us
the way we are speaking with our children? How would
our children describe us at this moment? How would
we hope they described us?"
As an example, a parent may have as a goal, motivating
a child to work more diligently and expresses this
by exhorting the child to "try harder."
While the parent may be well-intentioned, the comment
"try harder" is frequently experienced
as accusatory. Consequently, the parent's remark
may actually backfire, leading to further resentment.
An empathic statement might be, "I know that
you are having trouble with your math homework,
many kids do, maybe together we can figure out what
will help." We must remember that the development
of empathy provides the foundation for effective
communication and interpersonal skills that are
vital features of a resilient mindset.
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Teaching Responsibility by Encouraging
Contributions. If children are to develop a
feeling of accomplishment and pride, we must provide
them with ample opportunities for assuming responsibilities,
especially responsibilities that strengthen their
belief that they are making a contribution to their
home, school, or community environments. We have
found that enlisting youngsters to use their "islands
of competence" in such pursuits as tutoring
younger children, painting murals on the wall of
the school, watering plants, bringing messages to
the office, or going on Walks for Hunger, helps
them to feel that they are making a positive difference.
This serves to reinforce their motivation and self-esteem
as they witness concrete examples of their achievements.
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Teaching Decision-Making and Problem-Solving
Skills and Reinforcing Self-Discipline. An essential
component of resilience and high self-esteem is
the belief that one has some control over what is
occurring in one's life. To acquire this attitude
of ownership, children require experiences from
which they can learn and apply decision-making and
problem-solving skills. We can encourage them to
articulate problem areas, to think of possible solutions,
to consider what solution might work best, to attempt
that solution and to assess the results. This can
be accomplished by involving children in discussions
of how best to solve particular problems such as
issues with friends, having them decide when and
in what order to do their homework, having them
consider ways to solve problems with a sibling or
asking them to do research on a particular project.
The use of problem solving skills can also be enlisted
in the important process of discipline with the
goal of promoting self-discipline. This is an important
goal for all children, but perhaps even more so
for impulsive youngsters who display limited use
of self-discipline or self-control. One way we can
accomplish this task is to obtain the input of children
in the development of rules and consequences that
affect their lives at home and at school (children
are often more likely to remember and follow rules
and develop self-control when they are involved
within reason in participating in the creation of
these rules and consequences). These kinds of activities
empower children by reinforcing a sense of ownership,
commitment, accountability, and self-discipline.
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Offering Encouragement and Positive
Feedback. Resilience is nurtured when we convey
realistic appreciation to children and help them
to feel they are very special and important to us.
By doing so, we become what Dr. Julius Segal calls
the charismatic adults in their lives, that is,
adults from whom children gather strength. Spending
special time alone with our children, writing them
a brief note of love or appreciation or hugging
them are examples of this strategy. We might note
that a number of youngsters, such as those with
learning and attentional problems, are frequently
given the label special needs. While we recognize
the importance of this label in securing services
and funding, we also believe that we could use similar
words on a banner that would appear on all of our
homes and schools, namely, every child who enters
these doors needs to feel special.
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Helping Children Deal with Mistakes.
The fear of making mistakes and looking foolish
is one of the strongest roadblocks to developing
high self-esteem and resilience. Children are often
vulnerable to feelings of defeat and are likely
to retreat from tasks that may lead to failure.
We must help our children realize that mistakes
are an important ingredient in the process of learning.
We can do this in various ways, such as responding
to children's mistakes by showing them the correct
way to solve a problem and not by saying such demeaning
comments as, "Do you have any brains?"
or "You never do anything right!" In the
school setting, at the very beginning of the year
before teachers have taught any lessons or given
any work, they can introduce the topic of mistakes
in the learning process. In the discussion teachers
can share memories of their own anxieties about
making mistakes when they were students and involve
the class in a discussion about the best ways to
insure that students not worry about making a mistake.
Placing the issue about the fear of making mistakes
out in the open typically serves to lessen its potency,
thereby increasing opportunities for learning.
In general, resilience is linked to a
sense of optimism, ownership, and personal control.
What we have learned from both personal and professional
experiences is that we can all serve as the charismatic
adults in children's lives--believing in them and providing
them with opportunities that reinforce their "islands
of competence" and feelings of self-worth. This
is truly a wonderful gift we offer and it is also an
essential ingredient to improve the future of children.
It is part of our legacy to the next generation.
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